Relatively new partners and those married for years find themselves dealing with differences in personality, views and behaviour. Doubts about the other may last or fade away at some point in the future.
Some believe friendships have greater potential to last longer than marriages or a relationship with a partner. This may carry some element of truth but not always. We live in an era where friendships, including long standing ones, appear as vulnerable to falling apart as long-standing marriages.
People regularly speak to me about problems in their friendships and their sudden or gradual loss of a friendship. A sudden or gradual collapse can cause stress and utter bemusement as to why a close friend has withdrawn their empathy and love.
Such decisions may trigger a temporary reaction or a friend may even refuse to have any more contact whatsoever with you. You feel hurt and rejected finding the distance incomprehensible and facing a prolonged period of time, perhaps forever, without contact. The person who left may believe the grass will be greener on the other side of the fence without your presence in their life.
“One who is intelligent should make no friends amongst the malicious, angry and envious.” (Thag 1088-1019).
“According to the friends one makes, according to who one follows, so does one become,” the Buddha commented. (It 68)
What is your response to a text ending a friendship with you?
You may have to endure separation, loss, disillusionment and overwhelming sadness when a friend walks out on you. What can you do in such circumstance? What is your response if you receive a text from your best friend telling you of the cessation of the friendship, even if you have known each other since childhood?
One person told me she received a blunt text without knowing why. “Our friendship is over. I don’t see any reason for us to meet again. This is my final message. Do not contact me.”
Perhaps you have received such a short reply. You experience it as harsh, rude and negative. If I receive an angry message, I say to myself.
“This is what the person says today.”
A person’s hard view might change on another day or might not.
You do not have to agree to being told not to reply. Consider sending a single, short reply.
Dear …
You may not currently wish to have contact with me. I will respond if you find it convenient to message me. I appreciated our friendship and the precious times we shared together.
Thank you.
Love …”
You may not receive any response to your message but the person knows you do not have hard feelings. If you are angry, then wait to respond until the anger has dissolved. You also have to move on with your life.
The Buddha’s List of Seven Features of a Deep Friendship
The Buddha addressed this prominent issue of friendship giving it exceptional value. He spoke of kalyana mitta which usually gets translated as good friend. I regard this as a lightweight translation of the Pali.
His seven primary considerations (A.IV.30) confirm kalayana mitta as an authentic and deep friendship. Such a friendship expresses virtue, kindness and an auspicious connection that endures challenging circumstances.
Thoughtful readers will probably recognise all considerations as essential to develop and cherish such a deep friendship with another person. All seven are worth meditating on. We sometimes expect from another what we cannot offer ourselves.
The Buddha set a high standard for a deep friendship.
Can we develop qualities of a deep friendship?
I have written examples in the text below with each of the seven areas.
The Buddha said a deep friendship:
1. Gives what is hard to give.
What is hard to give at times includes energy, skills, love, attention and time. You have to dig deep to nourish another in need of support.
2. Does what is hard to do.
A deep friendship shows itself through your actions. You go out of your way to support another and respond in ways that benefit the person(s).
3. Bears what is hard to bear.
You do not complain when you hear angry, aggressive or demanding words from your friend. You respect their wish for a break. The person does not invite you to an important occasion. You learn to bear rejection or periods of neglect. You do not always take priority with your friend.
4. Your friend shares their secrets with you.
The person may share recent events, what the person experienced or witnessed in the past or heard about. Your friend may slip into dangerous fantasies, fears and stories which dominate their mind. You respect their transparency without mentioning anything to others of your friend’s experiences.
5. Another keeps the secrets you have shared about yourself.
You trust your friend when you bare your soul to them. The person respects your wish for confidentiality.
6. In times of trouble for your friend, you do not abandon the person.
You offer kindness, ask thoughtful questions, provide wise counsel, as much as you can, and accepts responsibility, if necessary.
7. You friend does not abandon you when you are down.
You appreciate this immensely. It confirms their friendship for you matters in challenging times. Your friend will do what they can to give you support. Both of your know mutual trust and dedication. You experience together a deep and lasting friendship with each other, despite a painful situation arising.
The Buddha commented on other signals of deep friendship
“A deep friendship enables your friend to rejoice in your good fortune, restrains others from speaking ill of you, and commends those who speak well of you.”
Such friendship accommodates sorrow and joy, pleasure and pain, offering empathy and wise counsel. The Buddha compared such friendship to a mother’s love for her only child (D.III.106).
He advised to recollect such beautiful friendships and recognise the value of active compassion and welfare that another offers us.
The signs of such a friendship leave us with a question: Can we offer a deep friendship in all seven areas the Buddha listed?
“Associate and frequent the company with people who are virtuous, learned, generous and wise,” said the Buddha.
We share our wisdom, concerns and support with those who need our presence.
A Much-Loved Quote
The Buddhist tradition regularly quotes a much-loved dialogue (A V 2) of the Buddha with Ananda, his personal attendant Ananda said to the Buddha. “Half of the spiritual life is friendship, association and intimacy with beautiful friends.”
The Buddha responded, “Say not so, Ananda. Say not so. It is the whole of the spiritual life, not just half, this friendship, association and intimacy with beautiful friends.”