‘I only lose what I think I have.’ A Poem on Romantic Love, a Breakup and Loss.
‘I ONLY LOSE WHAT I THINK I HAVE’
It started in heat of summer
such passion, intimacy
never such feelings before
not like this, not this deep
sharing, whispers, thrills, touch
midnight calls, full days
eros of nights, oh the nights
sensations, desires, deep breaths
coffee, exchanges, emails, texts,
all in the name of love
precious love, forever love
or so they thought.
In her worn-out condition
she thought she lost him
his fading footprints
along tracks in woods
where tired leaves dropped
to earth, to rot next
to tree, a fall from grace
she thought she had lost
what she thought she had.
A ring bound to finger
wrapped round her life
in their power struggle
a supreme wish to rule
to salvage their worth
in heated words and
long toil of emotions
or so they thought.
The ring slipped between
cracks in old floorboards
she fought for her breath
when door slammed as
man fled beyond her reach
only his back in her sight
she felt sobs, relief, failure,
or so she thought.
Nothing of value stayed
to give comfort from storms
all swept away in the
intangible of what
forever she had no longer
except collapsed dreams
tears, haphazard clouds
One thing she knew stuck
he left behind her ‘father’
in the shadows of her mind
her made up reality
hailed as a painful truth
why do such thoughts arise
or so she thought.
She stretched her arms
to touch one she had
but felt only thin air,
season of discontent
empty echoes having
to feel the unwanted
yet not knowing what
she wanted, so futile
or so she thought.
To have, possess or take
a theft – one from another
until fresh thought emerges
snowdrops in icy chill
a flash of lightning on the
edge of a long, hard day
‘I only lose what I think I have.’
She could never have this man
not even if transformed
she saw his direction of
travel along winding path
of his stormy life journey.
Flower offers fragrance
until taken hold of
to ensure its fading light
not getting what she wants
noone can, nor does she
have what men want
and this she realised.
Curse of compound thoughts
shows pointless patterns
sliding into love’s loss
Oh, she mistook love for
fireflies in the whisper
of the dark night, flickers
offer momentary light
she thought of as love.
Does she believe in two
horns on a rabbit’s head or
cow flies with hidden wings?
belief beggars belief
she let the drama drain
from her heart that once
held on, until she realised
love is not what she thought.
He failed to deposit
what he owed, no credit
left in account, she had
nothing to bank
except her resilience
preserved for chilly days
she no longer plays these games
he needs to find his way
they were no longer together
and no longer apart
a relief beyond measure
Her story fell among
leaves to become compost
when she realised.
what she never had
she never needed
she never thought this possible.
‘I cannot lose what I think I had’
‘I cannot lose what I never had’
such a flash of awakening
dissolves her old beliefs
with no exception about
anyone, anything, anywhere
spell gone, having – losing
after he left in search of
himself in a pile of leaves
Nothing left to takeaway
and thus she realised
with a smile reaching
far beyond the stars
free, free, free at last
love revealed itself
unbound to thought
profound and deep.
She was ready to love.
Audio and text version on Substack newsletter. www.christophertitmussdharma.org
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