One local put out a request this week on Totnesians, the local online forum, for ways to get high house prices down and a big cut in rents.
The forum reported of the efforts of one tenant in a city in the USA. The man would fire his gun into the air on a regular basis. This put people off moving into the district for fear of street violence and gang warfare. This kept price of house properties and rent low.
It requires our imagination for Totnes to reduce costs of accommodation.
This is a SATIRE on beloved Totnes. Do not believe a word of what is written
30 SUGGESTIONS TO GET TOTNES
HOUSE PRICES DOWN AND A MAJOR CUT IN RENTS
Promote Fake News
- Totnes residents are moving to London because it is cheaper to live there.
- Totnes has only three kinds of shops – coffee shops, charity shops and tattooists.
- Totnes high street is being converted into a ski slope.
- Due a marital breakdown epidemic, children in Totnes are happy to have two homes to go to.
- Other children are happy with one home to go to due to disappearance of their father.
- England’s seasonal festival GET DRUNK WEEK is held in Totnes.
- Totnes Council is run by a bunch of hippies.
- Darington Estate is the new headquarters for the fossil fuel industry.
- A Nuclear Power Station will be built on the disused site next to Totnes railway station (see photo below).
- Trains will no longer stop at Totnes.
- Gangs from London, Essex, Liverpool and Leeds spend their summer holidays in Totnes.
- Totnes is the anti-vax capital of the world.
- Only 5% – all aged over 85 – have had the jab out of the Totnes population of 8,400. Everybody else takes vitamin C.
- Two years, ago, Kevics School was renamed NoVax School.
- Rugby is played in Totnes as a therapy for men needing to hug and squeeze each other by getting close and intimate in the scrum. Hundreds of women spectators cheer and clap watching the development of such empathy between the men.
- Totnes is the ayahuasca capital of Europe.
- Refuse collection takes place once a year between August and November.
- Waiting list in Totnes to see a dentist is two years and a doctor one year.
- Donald Trump has bought Sharpham House to convert into a casino.
- Millwall Football Club plan to build its new football stadium on Vire Island.
- Totnes Conservative MP is looking to stand for election in another seat.
- Totnes is the marijuana capital of the UK.
- Magic mushrooms are the town’s biggest export.
- Totnes has had drunken parties every weekend for the past two years, indoors and in gardens.
- Boris Johnson has attended several of these parties.
- Totnes Mayor sent 300 photos and 500 pages of texts to President Biden, President Macron, President Putin and Boris Johnson’s wife.
- Totnes is under curfew from 8 pm to 8 am Monday to Friday for no reason.
- Follaton House (headquarters for Totnes and District Council) has closed down and has been sold to become a brothel.
- Devon police have abandoned Totnes and have advised the government to build a security wall around the town.
- A visa will be required to enter Totnes with 10 days quarantine in Morrison’s car park.
For further information on the above, buy the Totnes Times. Out every Thursday.
PS. I solemnly swear all the above is Fake News.
Photos shows site for Nuclear Power Station in Totnes, next to Totnes railway station.
WELCOME TO TOTNES FOR CHEAP HOUSING AND LOW RENTS
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