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Forgive or not to Forgive? That is the question

Daily Life / /

Forgive or not to Forgive?

That is the question

 

The relationship to the one who inflicts suffering and to the one who suffers deserves a depth of exploration.

There are countless events where the one who suffers has no responsibility whatsoever for the suffering that somebody else has inflicted upon him or her. It is not the person’s fault. The person did not bring it upon themselves. It is not their karma. The person is innocent without fault in anyway whatsoever – whether it is bomb dropping from the sky, sexual abuse of adults or children or a car accident due to a careless driver.

There is the one who causes the suffering and the person who endures the suffering, whether inflicted upon themselves or loved ones. The innocent may hear the words from secular/religious/spiritual authorities, as well as from family and friends, such lines as: “You have to forgive and forget.”

Why must a person be expected to forgive the one who inflicts suffering whether intentional, impulsive behaviour, neglect or downright carelessness?

Forgiveness amounts to a huge turnaround of the heart from anguish, pain and anger to love and forgiveness. A person who suffers may only think about what he or she has endured and desires revenge. It is an all too human response.

Forgiveness does not rank as a spiritual absolute in the Buddha’s teachings, as some might imagine. It is not even easy to find a word in the Pali language of the Buddha that corresponds easily with forgiveness.

The Buddha took a more measured view. He made reference to the practice and application of equanimity, namely the capacity to stay firm and steady during or after a traumatic experience. The practice gives priority to the dissolving of the desire for revenge and dissolving the anguish through feeling sorry for oneself. To find this resolution, it will probably need wise counsel, breathing in and out through the emotional storms and thoughts, reflection on the possible conditions that led up to the person behaving in such a manner and finding skilful ways to hold the person (s) responsible and accountable for their actions.

We should not place any pressure upon ourselves to forgive those who instil suffering. If we can find clarity in heart and mind, find steadiness in our being, that means we have found the wisdom to deal with the situation. That is more than enough. If we continue to feel sorry for ourselves, we continue to feed the identity of being the victim. We are giving more power and authority to the perpetuator of our suffering.

Under orders from Pilate, the Roman soldiers nailed Jesus to the cross to die an agonising death. Jesus did not say “I forgive you.” He said: “Abba (Father or Foundation of Everything) forgive them for they know not what they do.” Jesus spoke a timeless truth that the Buddha also concurred. From ignorance, from not knowing, from not realising, people inflict all manner of suffering on others.

The Innocent and the Guilty

Sometimes the lines between the innocent and guilty may be blurred. A situation is not as white and black as we sometimes conclude.

A businessman came on a meditation retreat with me. He told me he had just find out that his wife was having an affair with a close friend of his.  He said he felt hurt, angry, betrayed and had murderous thoughts at times. “How could she do this to me? We have been married for 10 years. We have two young children. I would never do anything like this to her. How could he do this to me? I treated him like a brother. I can never forgive the two of them.”

I asked him several questions. He admitted he worked long hours in the office, came home at night and worked more in his small office at home. He and his wife had little conversation and they often slumped in front of the television set. Passion had faded away between them. Lovemaking had become a rare event, brief and ritualistic.

It would be a step too far to say that the businessman brought such events upon himself. His wife still has to take full responsibility for her actions. Yet, he has to take some responsibility for the condition of the marriage. It is not easy to get a relationship back on track after a betrayal of trust. It takes immense willingness, with or without forgiveness, to renew the intimacy of love and friendship.

The division of the innocent (the husband) and the guilty (the wife and his close friend) does not seem appropriate since the indifference and neglect within the marriage slowly but surely led to a drifting apart of the married couple.

 The Power of Forgiveness

We hear and read of the remarkable accounts of the capacity of human beings to forgive others and also to forgive themselves for what he or she did or did not do that would have made such a difference to a specific situation.

The human capacity for forgiveness enables the inner life to feel at peace with circumstances through freedom from resentment and blame that burn up happiness and love within. We need to allow forgiveness to come naturally rather than a forced expectation upon ourselves or others. We may never be able to forgive. That’s the fact. We can be at peace with that fact, too.

We endeavour to be clear about events and clear about what led up to events. Wisdom knows where primary responsibility rests and also clear about any secondary areas of responsibility.

Like Jesus, we may have to ask for forgiveness to come from somewhere else than ourselves. Like the Buddha, we may have to develop and establish a ground of equanimity to the unfair, unkind and unwarranted impacts of events on our lives and the lives of others. The Buddha gave the highest recognition to such equanimity in the face of the unforgiveable. He said such equanimity is an ‘abiding in the divine.’

We can then act wisely without revenge, without the desire to hurt the other and without feeling any obligation to forgive another. It is not as easy process. What is the alternative? To wallow in self-pity and blame spinning in various directions? This perpetuates the nightmare.

Let us endeavour to keep to a firm resolve not to let our inner life succumb to abuse or exploitation from another, so that we remain committed to keeping our dignity and uprightness as human beings. It means we maintain our capacity to take care of our inner life rather than let another (s) continue to have a grip upon us.

May all beings live with equanimity

May all beings live with clarity

May all beings live with wisdom

 

 

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80 reasons to love India

Daily Life / /

80 Reasons to love India, plus one

 

A few years ago, I was staying at the Haus Khas home in New Delhi of beloved friends, Prama and Ranji.

While there, I read their daily newspaper which offered 60 reasons why Indians can love India.

Despite the  political/social/religious/environmental isses facing India, here are 80 reasons why Westerners love India.

In alphabetical order: …

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80 reasons to love India Read More »

Mindful Eating. Why are People Fat? And Getting Fatter

Daily Life / /

Mindful Eating.

Why are People Fat?

And Getting Fatter

My late mother said to me years ago in a memorable poetic one-liner. “We are digging our grave with a knife and fork.”

We live in a society of fat and sick people, unhappy with their body weight, unhappy with their diet and unhappy with their sense of worth as a human being.

Obesity contributes to the painful consequences of heart disease, cancer, diabetes, weakening of organs, especially kidney disease, depression, high cholesterol, high blood pressure and weakening of powers of the mind. Sickness and unhappiness due to unhealthy food consumption make enormous demands upon our beloved NHS (National Health Service).

Hereditary and genetic factors only contribute to a small percentage of such ills in body and mind.

Research in the UK shows that two out of every three adults are overweight or obese. The government defines obesity as 20% above an ideal weight for the height and BMI (body mass index). A BMI of 25-29.9 makes a person overweight. A BMI of 30 or above classifies a person as obese.

For example, I am deliberately on the thin side. Male, 180 centimetres, weighing 66 kilograms. According to the government health department, my ideal weight should be 72 kilograms. I would need to be more than 86 kilogrammes to be classified as obese. That is 20 kilograms more than my current weight. Three times as many people in the UK have become obese since 1980.

Here are 30 conditions that contribute to becoming fatter and fatter with pointers to develop mindfulness of eating.

In alphabetical order:

  1. A poor diet affects the brain, the hormones and the biology of a human being. So people get fatter and fatter.
  2. An increase in levels of oxygen into the cells for extended period helps the metabolism to burn off excess calories.
  3. Children get fed unhealthy food from sugary drinks, colas, crisps and sweets to keep them quiet.
  4. Children often eat alone watching television or eat in the back of a car packaged food brought in from the local shop that affects their mood, teeth and growth.
  5. Diet, immediate environment, the production and promotion of junk food and drink impacts upon the mind generating dependency and addiction to unhealthy food and resistance to healthy food.
  6. Excessive talking while eating and TV meals feed unmindful eating.
  7. Food is cheaper than ever before. Junk food is kept and uneaten organic food gets thrown away after a few days. We spend around 10% of disposable income on food, not 25% as two generations ago.
  8. Habits in eating push the person onto constantly consuming the same kind of food and drink. It is a challenge to break the habit and introduce a healthy option.
  9. Many people engage in work using their mind with little application to physical exertion. Some people grow their own fruit and vegetables in the garden or allotments with walking to an allotment and digging becoming a form of exercise
  10. Millions believe they cannot afford to buy healthy, organic food, made locally. Change requires very prudent use of money – as two generations ago – for many families.
  11. Mindfulness needs to extend to every item in the kitchen cupboard and refrigerator to live a conscious and caring lifestyle.
  12. Mistaken belief is that low fat food contribute to losing weight. Difference between low fat and regular fat food and drink is small.
  13. More and more consumption of sugar, salt and fats, including saturated fat, impacts on health.
  14. More and more sugar consumption and alcohol consumption increases weight due to impact on hormones and cells contributing to obesity.
  15. Parents show a lack of creativity in making meals at home so children demand sweet things or food with little real food content.
  16. People believe that they do not have enough will power to get their weight down. This is a form of propaganda from the industry, who claim that every individual has will power and choice. The food industry view ignores the controlling influence of addiction and power of habits.
  17. People confuse painful mental sensations that unsettle the stomach region with  unsettling hunger pains.
  18. People consume more and more calories, especially found in processed food with numerous chemicals that impact on the cells of the body in harmful ways.
  19. People continue to eat the same amount of food as they get older. In their 20’s, the metabolism and physical exercise burnt off the calories. As people get to the 40s, 50s and older, the metabolism burns off far fewer calories. People get fatter and fatter because they are eating the same amount of food as a decade or more ago.
  20. People drink more and more fruit juices and sugary drinks. The mind/biology is unable to recognise too much sugar in such liquid drinks but can recognise more easily excessive sugar in solid foods. Fruit juices contribute to calorie intake.
  21. People eat half of their meals outside of home or buy take away meals with no knowledge of what has gone into the food and the way it was cooked.
  22. People gain more weight during major events, such as Christmas, weddings, holidays and eating in a group. People consume more food over a weekend or extended periods at home. Few lose weight despite future their resolutions while engaged in bouts of excessive or unhealthy eating.
  23. People spend more and more money on unhealthy food.
  24. People will consume more food when experiencing difficult emotions such as anxiety and agitation. They will tend to eat more due to difficult mind states, such as boredom and depression.
  25. Some very obese individuals/families parade themselves on television in competitions to lose weight week by week. Promoters treat them as human freaks like in the Victorian era and subject them to painful views or dismiss them from the show for not matching up to others. Dramatic weight loss, through will power, easily leads to a later reaction against, and the weight shoots back up.
  26. The body does not digest easily animal products, such as meat and cheese, and so weigh goes up.
  27. The food industry propagates the message that it is a person’s choice to become fatter and fatter. This view indoctrinates people into self-blame and lack of self-worth, so the industry can continue to poison slowly but surely a large and larger percentage of the population. Campaigns against the food industry and factory farms give support to health and survival for humans and animals, birds and fish.
  28. Too mjuch consumption of carbohydrates, such as in bread, does not digest easily with a kind of impact like glue on the cells. Weight will drop off naturally through modest changes in diet and amount of food consumed.
  29. Thin, and in some cases, pencil thin models, have been set up as the measurement of the ideal body in the West by the fashion and clothes industry.
  30. Unmindful eating contributes to weight gain. Fast eating, failure to chew the food well before swallowing and forgetting to leave space in the stomach for rapid digestion increases weight gain.

Mindful eating of healthy food, time spent outdoors and regular exercise, contribute to a balanced diet, a balanced weight and the sense of self-worth.

Wise counsel, co-operation and love contribute to a mindful diet and a healthy weight.

PS. It is important to bear in mind that some people appear heavy but that is simply a physical disposition. Such people with such a disposition may well eat a moderate and nutritious diet while living mindful lives, The experience much inner contentment. Be mindful not to be judgemental due to appearance.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

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Ven. Thich Nhat Hahn and the Coma

Daily Life / /

Has Venerable Thich Nhat Hahn, 88, left his

most important teaching to this time in his life?

Buddhists worldwide venerate the Venerable Thich Nhat Hahn, the 88 year old Buddhist teacher from Vietnam, for his exceptional wisdom, unshakeable kindness and gentle expressions of mindfulness. …

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Ven. Thich Nhat Hahn and the Coma Read More »

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